Sadness. Slipping. Afraid to speak up. Afraid to inconvenience. Wrapped up in their own happenings, I observe. I know their stories. I hear their cries. I reach out.
They don’t. Stop expecting them to. Stop this preconceived notion that they should be a certain way. Stop being disappointed.
No family. No friends. No sleep. Just thoughts. Too many thoughts.
Enough.
We’re into August now, and my posts for the month including Blaugust posts have been pretty sparse. Turns out I was too ambitious in my desires for this month, and I have to admit defeat. First of all, as much as I LOVE the idea of 365 days of creativity, I just can’t do it. I’m healing from my c-section, nursing every 2h, and raising my 22 month old which leaves maybe 1h a day of “mommy time” when I’m not trying to get some sleep/a shower/food. I don’t expect this to change for the next few weeks (months?). Then there was Blaugust, which I signed up for as a mentor. I feel so remote and distant from everyone else who is happily chattering away on discord, sharing their posts and motivating each other to get the blog stuff done (and podcasts, and all sorts of neat other stuff). I just can’t do it.
Add to it the postpartum depression I’ve been trying to deal with, and I simply can’t. My plate is full, I’m out of spoons, and life is just too hard right now.
I’ll try to keep posting here and there when I can because it’s therapeutic to get my thoughts out, but I’m officially admitting defeat to taking on tasks for the rest of the year, and if you don’t see me around twitter/discord/etc much, well, you know why.
Happy gaming, no matter where you find yourself.
There are tons of reasons that people start blogging – and there’s no one right reason, there’s just the reason that is right for you. When I started 12 years ago (holy crap, it has been a while) I just knew I wanted a little space on the internet to get some thoughts out about EverQuest 2. At the time I was not playing anything else and blogging was becoming a popular way to get out there. I didn’t care about how many people read, whether they left comments, and I certainly didn’t think about where the blog would take me.
I stuck with it (obviously, I’m still writing) and have been incredibly surprised at how rewarding it is. For me, persistence has been key (despite the fact that I blog far less frequently now than I ever have).
I still don’t worry about how many people stumble into my little corner, I still write just for me. I do accept the occasional advertisement that emails me (more about the controversy of this in another post) but my base reasons for blogging have shifted slightly. I now write as a way to relieve some stress and create a record of memories that I can look back on. I no longer blog about EQ2 (or even keep my posts video game related) and instead embraced the fact that I’ve got multiple hobbies. All of this is perfectly fine. You can have one reason or a hundred reasons to get your thoughts out there but I do want to stress the fact that if you want to keep at it, and not just give up after the first week, or month, that you should set it into some sort of a routine. Getting a quick post out before work, or making a post on your drive with some voice technology, or even having a waterproof whiteboard in the shower to jot down those important ideas will all help.
If you’re not having fun with it, re-assess why you’re blogging and try not to berate yourself or stress yourself out. Some days you just may not feel like it – and that’s OK too! You don’t need to have it figured out right away, and your blog will certainly go through some changes over time. Just keep true to yourself and what you want from the experience.
My first pregnancy was a really difficult one. There were flights to hospitals for neural tube tests, a lot of weight loss and sickness, and an under weight birth that was 5 weeks early. The difficulties continued as he developed colic that lasted a few months and lets just say he is a very stubborn child. I wouldn’t give it all up for anything, but they were not easy times. My husband had 8 months of paternity leave and without his support, there’s no way I would have survived.
My second pregnancy was a huge surprise after the issues we had with our first. It took us two years with help of fertility specialists the first time around. It was certainly different for our second. Healthy, no problems, but the history of my past always lurking in the background causing a lot of stress.
Now I’ve got 2 under 2, as the term goes, and I’m finding new difficulties. My husband only has three weeks off work instead of 8 months, and I’m healing from a c-section. We’re in a new town, in a new province, and have no support system set up. I still don’t drive (I was working on my beginners). How on earth am I going to survive and keep these precious children alive? That’s a question that honestly passes through my mind hourly at this stage, hence my decision to blog about it and get my feelings out. I suffered from horrible postpartum depression last pregnancy, and I’m terrified of going down the same road this time, too. I can’t be the mother I need to be if I can’t take care of myself.
This morning I told my husband to sleep in 2 hours, so I could handle the breakfast routine on my own and see how I do. He’s close by in case I need help, but I know that in just two weeks I’ll have to do this for real, and I want to know I can do it. Healing from my c-section is honestly the hardest part at this point. I’m sore. I can’t lift up my son for another 4 weeks, and he doesn’t understand what the heck is going on in his world.
I hope I can do it.
My daughter was born July 18th and that’s probably the most creative thing I’ve done all year. Posts may be sporadic, but I’ll try to keep up. So far the most difficult part is that my son, who is 22 months old, doesn’t understand what the heck is going on. We’ll get there though.
A Pixel Nomad 