Category: Real Life

Let’s Get Real – I’m Lonely

TW for mental health

Let’s face it, the past almost two years have not been “normal” for anyone, and I don’t believe there is any such thing as “normal” as we know it any more. I feel like the covid pandemic has changed things forever, and we’re best moving forward instead of trying to go backwards to what things used to be like.

If it was only the pandemic had happened, I might find myself in a slightly better mental health state than I do today – but for me, things are a bit more complicated. Turns out, I’m lonely. Lonely to the point of being depressed and spending a lot of days a mixture of angry and sad. Not only has the pandemic happened, but for the past 1.5 years I’ve been posted to an isolated post in the far North of Canada. For those unfamiliar, I live on a reservation, there’s nothing but dirt roads for 200km in any direction. Our internet on the best of days is 5mb/s and our upload speed is .02. There’s no grocery stores within a 6h (3h each way) drive, and I had incredibly high hopes of getting involved with the community and learning the culture, except the pandemic happened and then well, people don’t like my family (even though they’ve never met us) because my husband is RCMP. A lot of people don’t like me, either.

Let’s talk about that a bit. I’ve always grown up thinking that you should speak your mind – but that is not true. You should NOT speak your mind if you want friends. People do not like it when others speak their mind. I always thought ‘hey, it’s OK if your opinions differ, people will see past that, and you’ll come out alright’ – NOT true. Arguments are what break friendships apart. I’m not talking opinions like whether or not we should all get vaccinated (we should, I’m not even willing to discuss that) but simple things. Being confrontational is not a friend trait that others admire. Humans also tend to be pretty self centered. They want to talk about themselves (I’m a fine example of that this AM) and getting them to look past their own nose at the greater picture is a difficult task. There is no real point to this post except to say yeah, I’m lonely. I find it difficult to make friends, I am not used to ‘playing nice’ and that usually ends up backfiring.

I have lots of acquaintances, and people I ‘talk’ to in an online sense and have for years now. I am fairly certain that I know more about any of them than they know about me. In real life, I’ve made attempts to be friendly and make friends and then I get screwed over and hurt, and I know it’s because I’m difficult to handle, I’m not overly social, I’m not overly friendly, I’m confrontational. I get angry quickly and cool down just as fast. I love to argue and debate and to me it typically means nothing much and five minutes later I’ve moved on, but for most people it turns into something a lot more complicated.

I don’t work, and am a full time Mom, so my hours of when I’m available or online are sporadic at best. I cannot expect anyone to instantly be around when I need them, and I have no idea how to make friends as a grown up. So I sit here and write this blog in case there’s someone else out there going through the same thing. We’ll be OK. We always are. But it sure is lonely.

Welcome to Blaugust

I know, I’m a bad person for not starting the week with my ‘yay it’s Blaugust‘ post – but honestly there have been so many incredible starter posts that mine would have only gotten lost in the pile anyway. That being said, this theme (we’ll call it that) of the week is as follows:

The idea behind this week is to give folks time to spread their wings and get used to that daily blogging idea. For the Veteran bloggers, it is a great time to make a few posts related to helping New bloggers get started. These could be tips or tricks or just discussions about what helps you get started. Additionally it is a great time to get connected to the Blaugust Discord and meet the community as a whole.

I am on the discord! I don’t talk often because I’m shy, and a part of a bunch of other discords so managing my time is always something that I have a hard time with. Despite all of that, I’ve been blogging here for over 15 years, and I’ve learned a thing or two.

Don’t let someone else tell you what blogging is / is not, or how to run YOUR blog. See, I tend to go many days without posting anything, and then I’ll write 7-8 posts all at once, and I’ll back date them and assign each post to a day to fill out my weeks. That’s what I prefer to do. That doesn’t make me any less of a blogger (or more) than anyone else and how they decide to handle things. So find a schedule and a method that works for you and your life style. Adapt it. Be flexible.

Don’t get boxed in writing about a specific theme / subject if you’re not feeling it. This site started out as MmoQuests, and I wrote about MMOs in specific for many MANY years. Turns out, I have more interests than just video games! I knit, I read, and I draw. If I only wrote about video games some months would be very dry content wise. Instead, I’ve opened up my blog to my other interests. Sure, my audience may not always enjoy every single post I put out there, but I love having a record of what basically amounts to my entire life. Do you.

If you’re really interested in blogging, don’t worry about your audience. It will come with time. Instead, get into those good habits. Even if you’re not writing novel sized posts every day, try a bit of something. I feel good about myself knowing I’ve taken care of my ‘chores’ for the week, I try to pre-write or jot down ideas any time I have them to make up for the times where I don’t feel like writing at all. It all counts, and no one is judging you except (you guessed it) yourself.

I know some folks like to run their site with the end goal of making money, but this isn’t one of those blogs, so I have very little advice to give on that subject. Do what you like, and don’t let anyone else change your mind. You’re going to know yourself best.

Finally Back Home

A fast moving fire had us evacuated on July 10th – and we were finally allowed back home, so in true Stargrace fashion I am going to back date a bunch of posts, because even though I wasn’t writing at the time, I did get some gaming (and knitting!) done. Honestly, I’m just glad that our house is still standing, that we had a place to go, and most of all, that we’re back home.

The kids handled things brilliantly, as kids do, but because our son has autism it was quite stressful to try to make things as ‘routine’ as possible for him in a situation where absolutely nothing was routine. He has some pretty exact food requirements and staying at your bosses’ house is stressful enough without everything extra going on. We were able to get away to the city for a few days, but hotels quickly filled up with other evacuees, so we stayed at a nearby town which is still quite isolated. It was odd to come home and see giant holes of space where forest used to stand. A big thank you to everyone who helped keep our home safe.

Health Goals – Progress

As a quick recap – April 15th (one day after my 40th birthday) I decided it was time for a healthier me. I wanted to help limit some of the issues I have with MS, and I was hoping that losing weight would give me some quality of life changes by putting less overall pressure on my body. I started at 250lbs, and today I’m at 213lbs.

I’ve lost 37lbs – but I don’t actually see it when I look in the mirror, and I don’t actually feel like I’ve lost that much. I think I’m probably just always going to see myself as a bigger girl for a long time, the mental battle that comes with weight loss is just as difficult as the physical one. I’ve been doing a mixture of keto and just eating less food, I ended up losing quite a bit while we were evacuated just due to stress which is NOT something I suggest to anyone. Each month I give myself a budget of $100 for keto friendly foods that I can find, and this month that meant some amazing tortilla wraps, some bbq sauce, ketchup, some chocolate milk shake mix, and some konjac noodle rice stuff that I’m hoping to use to make keto friendly sushi. Turns out seaweed is perfectly good to eat on a low carb diet.

Long term my first major goal is getting below 200lbs. Once there, I plan on dropping keto and working on portion sizes and learning sustainability when it comes to proper meals, even in my unique location where pretty much the only grocery options are frozen carbs. I also plan on incorporating exercise into the equation once I’m below 200lbs. Due to my MS, I have to be careful about how I go about this. Some days I can’t walk or make use of my hands, and I don’t want to injure myself. I’m not exactly proud of the progress I’ve made, but I’m glad I’m getting somewhere. It’s a mixed bag, honestly. I’m also not seeing any changes in my MS symptoms yet, but I’m sure my body is thankful not to have so much weight to carry around, even if I can’t feel any difference.