Category: Real Life

Geeze Stargrace, it has been over two months since your last post, what the heck happened?!

Well. First of all, I’m OK. Now, at least. Back in January a bunch of drama happened that caused me to realize that friendships I thought were important actually meant nothing to those involved. I realized that I was working incredibly hard to foster these friendships and cultivate them but that I was in fact very easily forgotten about – which is fine when you expect it, but I actually thought these friendships had value and meaning, so it sent me into a sort of tailspin, emotionally. It hurt. I pulled back from twitter, I stopped blogging, and instead I focused on fostering healthy boundaries and relationships. Once I was done sulking, in any case.

I’m still posted at my isolated post in the North. We were due out in December but things happened beyond our control and we’re still here until around the end of May. We’ll be moving East to Nova Scotia eventually, but being here has been difficult. Add in the pandemic, global issues like the war in the Ukraine, and you have a high stressed Stargrace.

I am still gaming. I actually play World of Warcraft, and I started up a separate twitter account as well as blog depicting my gold making adventures. You can find my twitter account under: @girlgoblin1 and the blog is (gasp) girlgoblin.ca.

I am also still playing Wurm Online and just recently acquired a new deed that I can’t wait to talk about. BDO is still way up there on my games played, too. They’re releasing new content in April that I’m excited about.

I’ve also been reading some awesome books this year, and I am hoping to continue writing about them on my book blog. We’ll see how that goes.

I’m cautious about things. Consider this a return to blogging if nothing more. I don’t expect I’ll be back on twitter any time soon, but there are ways to reach me if required (discord, FB, steam, etc). I am hoping that I get to start streaming once we move to our new location, but since we haven’t even bought a house yet that is all up in the air.

As always, happy gaming, no matter where you find yourself.

I recently wrote about going back to school but I’ve also been browsing different methods of online learning that are offered these days. I’m a big fan of (of course) using YouTube, and almost everything you could ever possibly want to learn is on there – but sometimes I’d also like something a bit more structured, or I want something where I can see in depth reviews. To that end, I’ve looked into two popular ‘learning’ platforms, Udemy, and Skillshare. Both do almost exactly the same thing, offer ‘classes’ for people that typically have a cost associated with it. With Skillshare it’s subscription based, you can access any of their lessons for a fee ($20 CAD or there abouts) each month. Once your subscription ends, you lose access. In fact I can’t even browse skillshare without an activated subscription which I find really annoying. They do offer 30 days free, but I’ve used mine up.

For Udemy, you purchase each class individually. You own access to that class for as long as you need it, and you can learn at your own pace without keeping an active subscription. The classes are much more expensive – but – they also have frequent sales. One example is the classes I purchased above, they were 85% off, and less than $20 each. I have absolutely no issue paying people for their time when they’re teaching me something but I obviously do prefer to just purchase a class outright so I can constantly use it instead of using a subscription. If one class takes me three months to complete and I’m paying $20 a month, vs. that same class costing $20 outright – well, it’s easy to see why I made the choice to just stick with Udemy.

I love that there are these (and other) options out there. I love that teaching, and learning, is promoted. It doesn’t have to be for everyone, but it’s something I personally like to make use of and I’m just so thankful that technology has allowed for this to happen. Of course there are good classes and bad ones, and free ones and expensive ones, so figuring out WHAT to take and WHERE to take it is always a challenge – do your research. If you’re good at self motivating and creating your own schedules, it’s definitely something I recommend.

I recently made the decision to go back to school – at 40. There were a lot of factors that weighed in on this decision but one of them was simply that I love to learn, and I never had the opportunity when I was younger due to the cost. I moved out when I was 16 and paying for a university education was not in the cards. Now that I’m older, some things (financially) are easier, while other things (time) are more difficult.

My kid was diagnosed with autism as well as global developmental delay at age three. His disabilities require care and help for life, and it’s a full time job. Due to our isolated posting I’ve been managing on my own with the help of my husband of course, but eventually we’ll have more resources available to us (I hope). If anything should ever happen to my first responder husband, I want to have skills readily available that I can use to get into the work force and provide for my family. I want to get these skills now, and not be rushed to get them later when I’m going to have more than enough on my plate.

I’m starting off with classes in French, the basics. I already know some basics but it has been years since I was in a classroom situation doing anything official. In Canada French is the official second language. These courses can ladder to a BA with a focus on French, or I can just continue forward taking certificate programs. Or I can decide on a completely different path, and those courses will work towards credits.

At the same time I’ve also picked up a bunch of Udemy classes on sale for some back pocket learning.

These programs don’t offer any certificates but they should still give me some skills (minus the digital painting one, that one is just for me for relaxation hobbies). I just feel better when I’m learning. I like the structure, I like the organization, I enjoy using new notebooks and pens to take notes. Even if I never really focus on anything, I think it’s important to keep pushing forward in that way. I’m not sure if everyone else is the same in that regard, but it’s almost like a bit of self care. Investing in myself. Believing in myself. I wish things could have been different back when I was a kid, but that doesn’t mean I want to just give up on myself. I love my children, and I love taking care of them – but there’s more to me than just that.

I’ve talked about multiple sclerosis before here on my blog, but I usually try really hard to just go on with life as normal as I can, and not complain about the hand I’ve been dealt. The problem is, I can only do that for so long, and I don’t really have a lot of constructive outlets – so I use my blog. This post won’t be about gaming, but is more just a general unloading.

A lot of my days are great. I have a steady constant pain that doesn’t go away, but I’ve learned to deal with it. The pain makes me a bit short tempered, pretty tired, but I’m able to function for the most part. This is my life the majority of the time. Let us put the pain at about a two on a scale of one to ten.

Then there are relapses, which is what I have going on right now for the third day. The pain in my hands and feet is so bad that my hands bend into a claw shape and just ache like they’re on fire constantly. It’s so bad I can’t carry anything heavy because I’m afraid I might drop it. Typing hurts. Just sitting doing nothing hurts. I can’t knit or cross stitch and I do my best not to game because resting my hands on my keyboard / keyboard rest – hurts. Using my mouse hurts. It’s a solid 8-9 on my pain chart and let me tell you, my pain threshold is really high. I have a tattoo and it didn’t even bother me to have it done. My husband jokes all of the time because I take scalding hot showers and never feel it, but come out a blistered red. When I say my hands and feet are hurting, it means they’re really hurting.

People can’t SEE this pain though. They just have my word to go by. I have two young kids and a husband who works shift work so I can’t just give up. I have to power through the days and do my best, which means making sure meals are done and the kids don’t hurt one another. Talking on twitter or doing a blog post is usually dictated and is my only real means of escape because we’re at an isolated post, and I can’t game (another reason I play BDO, where I can AFK or just stare at the screen and make progress). Tylenol and other medications don’t help. There’s no inflammation, it’s from lesions sitting on certain sections of my brain and spine, telling my body I’m in dire pain and triggering all my pain nodules. I’ve tried cannabis to ease symptoms but it doesn’t make the pain go away, it just makes me care less and I can’t function like that – and I have to function. I have to be able to take care of my family.

Some days, like today, I’m really angry. I’m frustrated that I can’t do what I want to do. That I can’t use a can opener unless it’s electric. That everyone around me is so loud when I’m just trying not to drown in pain and I can’t focus because MS takes that dignity away from me. I slur my words and just get so frustrated so easily because I’m trying to balance everything and function like a normal human being under insane conditions. Let us add the fact that I have a child with autism and a learning disability, and a second child on top of that, at an isolated post – and well, you have a small window into how life is going for me lately. I don’t like to complain or whine to people because I know that makes it even harder to be friends with me, and I have few friends. No one wants to be around a sad person all of the time. No one wants to hear them moan about how much pain they’re in each day. People don’t like that. Don’t even pretend they do, because I know otherwise. I’ve experienced it.

I’m just so tired. I want a break. I want a single day without all of the pain and confusion and anger that I constantly feel. I haven’t been away from the kids for more than an hour or two since our first was born five years ago. I can’t drive. I feel like a prisoner and it’s not anyone’s fault that this is life. I keep trying to make it better, trying to change it, trying to be a better person – over and over. Today, it’s just not working.

I’m sorry.

Thank you for listening.